I couldn't resist the urge to snap a photo of me in the same frame as Lizzo at her concert in Indy last night! I have many thoughts about this concert and inadvertently wrote out an entire essay while gathering them together, so I’m posting them here since I keep telling myself I should update my blog more often.
First of all, the crowd was amazing! Everyone was so enthusiastic and loud. Evidently, it was a sold out show. There were three folks around me who had come solo, so I didn't feel like a total loser being on my own. My pink dress (a fashion risk I wouldn’t have felt comfortable wearing anywhere but a Lizzo concert due to the lack of skirt length and how tight it was on my large belly) basically glowed when the lights hit it, so in photos I saw from the other side of the arena, I can see myself clearly! There were quite a few people in bright outfits and fat women in crop tops or tight-fitting things, which made me happy to see. It truly felt like a place where you could wear whatever the fuck you wanted and there would be zero judgements. That’s rare in the world, and I deeply appreciated it.
A good angle.
And a bad angle. You’re privileged to what I’d normally keep private in my Girlfriend Groupchat because I’m feeling charitably inclined.
Lizzo's live vocals are NO JOKE. She hit zero sour notes and didn't use a backing track. Instead, her DJ takes on the duties of the sound booth and instead of being at the back of the arena to balance the mix live, she's ON STAGE and sings live to what I would consider the guide track at any other show. I don't think I've ever seen done before.
There was a cool projection mapping thing where images were projected onto a costume and then her body in a nude bodysuit with commentary about anti-choice legislation, beauty standards, and body shaming. So impactful!
The pre-recorded segments that played on the screens was all really well incorporated and didn't feel cringey like they sometimes can at other live shows I’ve seen. They also didn’t seem to bring down the mood (unless that was the aim) or make the show drag, which is a testament to them not being overused and being well produced. They came on to allow time for costume changes and to enhance the performance. One was an overlay of trolling comments (carefully curated to not be too triggering) while Lizzo sang Rumors, and then there was a video of Cardi B doing her rap part in that song that was filmed to look like a Facetime call that played on the screens. I thought that was a really innovative way to incorporate a pre-recorded segment and added to the intimate feel of the show. There were a few montages of the Big Grrrls, Lizzo’s backup dancers, in bodysuits that were filmed so artfully, I teared up. They were a frank celebration of large bodies. I couldn't take my eyes away!
The Big Grrrls just looked so full of joy the entire show, like they were just a bunch of friends hanging out having a great time out at the club. The touring band is all black and all female, including a 19-yr-old lead guitarist who just SHREDS. They were top quality. At some points there were three backup singers as well, though they weren’t always on the stage with the band. The band and singers all had these amazing holographic green outfits, each styled differently to suit the taste of the individual woman, and they caught the stage lights beautifully.
The crowd was so into it, she barely even picked up the mic (or her jaw off the floor) during "Truth Hurts" because the entire crowd was just screaming the lyrics when she held out the mic. Truly, the whole place was going nuts!
And her fucking flute appeared out of the floor on a rhinestone-encrusted plinth! I’m still not over how epic that moment was!
And if you've made it this far in a long post, you get the real shit. Congrats?
Because my thyroid was all messed up, I have been having a lot of issues with my health in recent years, you're probably aware. But while the external changes are easy to pick up on, what's been harder to quantify are the insidious ways in which Hashimoto's has affected me cognitively and mentally. I had to leave the workforce for a time because my focus and memory were so severely impacted that I couldn't be effective in my role any longer, and was even having a hard time carrying on conversations or participating in activities I had previously enjoyed.
I didn't talk much about all of that at the time because the world was on fire and my problems didn't seem to matter in the grand scheme, but also I was ashamed. It was too easy to blame laziness or a lack of motivation for my failures and inability to work and enjoy life. Even after fighting so hard to pinpoint medical causes for the debilitating fatigue, emotional dysregulation, and cognitive decline (a doctor described it to me as "reversible dementia" so it would be hard to overstate just how severe it had gotten, if you'd tried having a conversation with me and I forgot what I was trying to say midway through a sentence and could not for the life of me get back on track, then you know.) it was still difficult to forgive myself and get past the guilt and blame to a place of acceptance so I could move on with finding alternative ways to cope with the new realities my body was forcing me into. And all of that took some time. It wasn't a "magic pill" type of situation where I got on meds and that flipped a switch. I had to unlearn some things.
In particular, my social anxiety had gotten to the point where I wasn't even trying to do anything outside of the house anymore. I've always had disordered anxiety and CPTSD from growing up in a hoarding household, but the pandemic and emotional regulation issues that come with Hashimoto's disease really did a number on me. I wanted to do things like join a church choir, but I just wasn't able to do it. I was too afraid even though there was nothing at all to be afraid of.
So... all this to say that buying tickets for a concert to attend solo in a city I don't often visit that requires a two hour drive to get to (which gives plenty of time to second guess and fret over doing something outside of my comfort zone) was a big deal. The fact that it was LIZZO made it easier because I know that she create space for people who exist in bodies like mine to feel free to enjoy the experience without judgement.
I WAS nervous while driving, parking, and going into the venue. But I didn't let the nerves keep me from enjoying myself, which is a benefit of finally being on the right combination of medications and having undergone therapy to learn how to cope with my shit.
In the end, it was joyful, and warm, and everything I'd hoped it would be, and none of the things I'd feared. And I'm proud of myself for doing it.
When I screamed out the lyrics of "I Love You, Bitch" I was talking to myself just as much as Lizzo.